For Karina, Mark, Carl, Abdalla, Tal, Terisa, Shannon, Erin, Christian, Mohsen, Sandra, Sharon, Ino, Virgen, and Charley. Ōmeteōtl.

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I’ve grown a lot since the end of May. Let me tell you one story:

I returned from Camp Horizons last week. It’s a summer camp for kids ages 8-11 in foster care. Each child gets their own counselor, and you spend an entire week together.

There are pool parties, campfires, arts and crafts, communal meals, ceremonies to honor and affirm the kids, and classes where they learn the 3 R’s – respect, responsibility, and resilience. Except for working with Mother Ayahausca, nothing has opened up my heart like this camp.

My camper was an 11 year-old named Toni. His energy reminded me a lot of Ino- a good balance between the masculine and the feminine. Many of the girls at camp had crushes on him.

There were 3 other kids in my cabin: Azyan, Anthony, and Joe. It was quite the mix of personalities. Azyan danced to “Run It” by Chris Brown at the camp talent show. He wanted No Guidance, his favorite Breezy song, but we couldn’t allow it. Anthony sang “Part of My World” from The Little Mermaid. Joe, who is 8, performed “Baby” by Justin Bieber.

^ All the counselors for Cabin 15.

^ My sisters Jesslyn and Sarahbeth, and my Mom. We did camp together this year.

I learned a lot from the kids. My best teacher, though, was another counselor.

Her name is Becky. We met in 2019, at her first year of camp. Something was up- she didn’t seem comfortable being herself, and she was extremely reserved. It was hard to connect with her.

Fast forward to last year. The moment I saw her, I could tell that she had a revolution in consciousness. I asked what happened, and she said that camp broke down her walls. She could hear her soul crying out, because she had lived within a people-pleasing shell all her life. She was taking steps to live as her authentic self, and knew that much of her life- including her marriage- needed to go.

I loved being around the real her. I left that year with a crush (as did she.)

A month before our retreat, she called to let me know she was getting divorced. Our relationship began to pick up. We began to talk more and more frequently.

I told Shannon about Becky at La Finca. She listened and said “It sounds like she’s going through a lot right now. Just hold space for her.” So, I did.

In the weeks leading up to camp, we started to talk every day. She became my best friend. The more time I spent with her, the more I liked her.

When camp ended, all the counselors went out to a pub. It was ridiculously flirtatious. We talked to only each other, and she was putting her hands all over me. She even told me that she was thinking of going to Guatemala for Spanish immersion, and that I should go with her.

It was to the point where my Mom walked up while she was in the restroom. “Do you think you’ll be at home later?” she said. “Or are you staying at Becky’s tonight?” I grinned sheepishly and replied “I don’t know.”

I could feel my social battery going to 0%, so I wound up going home. But before I left, I asked her if she wanted to go hiking in a few days. She said she’d love to.

We talked on the phone the next day. She mentioned, in passing, that she was looking forward to being single for awhile. I brushed this off in the moment, but it was a mask. I was stunned.

I was also frightened, because I could see a terrible pattern re-emerging in my life.

This had happened to me before. Old Asher would say “I’m OK with being your friend right now,” even though he knew it wasn’t true. The relationship would carry on. Neither party would set boundaries to actually have a platonic relationship, and a “situationship” that he didn’t want or deserve would develop. When people would ask about it, all he could say was “it’s complicated.”

Of course, this massively fucked with him. He would then grow bitter and resentful.

I called her the next day.

“You deserve to be treated with reverence and respect,” I said. “And to respect you in the way that you deserve, I have to tell you how I’m feeling.”

“The truth is, I have feelings for you. When you told me that you wanted to be single, I was taken aback, because that didn’t seem to align with the signals I was getting. I realized later that when I asked you to go hiking, my true intention was for our relationship to grow and unfold in whatever way it needs to, but for it to deepen in a romantic way.”

“You deserve for the people in your life, especially the men, to be their authentic self and take off the mask. When I go into my heart and ask if I can hold the kind of space that you need, I know that the answer is no.”

“I just need space right now. I don’t know exactly what that looks like, or how long it will take, but whenever I am ready to enter your life again, I’ll let you know.”

There was a long pause.

“I love you so much,” she said. “And I really appreciate you telling me this. I haven’t been single since I was 15, and it’s easy for me to get lost in relationships. It’s hard to describe how called I feel to do this, so I thank you.”

“I hope you know this isn’t a rejection of you either,” she said. “You are literally the most perfect person in the entire world to me. Please let me know when you want to come back, because I would love that.”

I cried all day. Making this decision was hard, because it touched one of my deepest fears- that I’ll go the rest of my life without an intimate relationship- but I have never felt more proud of myself.

In the last ceremony at La Finca, I had to let go of that fear. I braced myself when I saw it. In order to properly “let go,” I thought something wild- like a snake swallowing me whole and pooping out my ego- needed to happen next. Mother Ayahausca chuckled and gave me a gentle knock on the side of the head.

“Oi! You are hilarious, starboy. It’s not like that. Just see it. That’s 99.9% of the battle. You just have to see it.”

In the weeks after that ceremony, I was puzzled. “Did I even I let go of that?” I would ask myself. “All I did was see it. That can’t be the same as letting go.” But as I reflect on my experience with Becky, I think I understand now.

Working with Ayahausca is like bodybuilding. Going to the gym and working with the barbell is just 10% of your duties. 90% of the work lies in what happens after the gym: the diet, the sleep, the hydration, etc. You can lift all you want, but you won’t grow unless you properly integrate the workout.

It’s the same with the medicine. To actually “let go” of your fears and stories that are keeping you small and in the past, you need to see them first. It really is 99.9% of the battle. Making the right decision is easy once you’ve looked at yourself- your soul, your heart, your intuition, God’s voice, or whatever you want to call it- without judgment.

I see now that this experience (as all are) was divinely placed in my life to help me grow. If I wasn’t ready for it, it wouldn’t have come. It feels wonderful to trust the guidance of my heart, surrender to life, and know that the universe has my back.

Thank you, all. I LOVE YOU!